Being Addicted to a Good Feeling

You meet someone and you feel good. Some things he/she says make you feel good, something about what you see make you feel interested, attracted, etc. A good feeling about somebody gives you energy… it is like vitamins for your soul.

But as all vitamins, they are used by the body on a certain amount of time. Then the body needs a new dose in order to keep on being healthy. It is the same with feelings, they tend to last for a certain period and then they either disappear or get altered. The memory of that feeling fades in time and by itself it will not maintain the energy… not indefinitely.

That is why we need to get constant or increasing doses of that same feeling. They are addictive.

If you meet an interesting person, you want to get more time with that person as soon as possible. It seems like you are rushing, but it is actually an instinct that your brain and body have. You need to keep the good feeling active and, whether you know it or not, the way to keep it alive and growing is by increasing the dosage and by making the intervals between doses shorter. Your soul feeds of good feelings. The relationship instinct is a primary instinct.

In the case that you rationalize the feelings and slow down the process, you starve your soul of the energy it needs. It is as if you are putting it on diet. The outcome is that either the feeling fades away in time and you don’t feel the need any longer. You will forget about that person or you will simply not desire him/her anymore, you become indifferent and you will meet someone else. Or. you become obsessed and develop a sick craving for that feeling, giving it a bigger value than it really has and you get stuck in that irrationally, or you become num in regards to feelings and you don’t recognize one at its right value. Or, you simply replace the feeling with another that is more available to you at the time, eliminating the need for the first.

The truth is that you need to hold on to the good feeling for as much as you can and you need to assure a constant dose of it in order to keep it longer.

If you meet somebody, don’t let too much time pass between the dates… the nice feelings you have on your first dates risk to fade, because they did not have enough time to get strong. Early feelings are not as powerful as reinforced ones.

Long distance relationships do not work for the same reasons… the dosage is too rare and not constant. Since the soul needs feeding, at any moment another feeling can appear to replace the initial one. Being together is the best way to keep a good feeling active, to grow it, strengthen it and make it last longer, be more powerful.

If you meet someone who is at a long distance, it is even more difficult to grow a feeling. Make sure you meet that person as soon as possible and make sure that the next encounter is soon enough too. Otherwise it fades away.

The interest in somebody stays alive for as long as that person is in your direct sight, for as long as you keep that person in your direct interest and for as long as you can see a positive development. That is why longer exchanges of e-mails or phone calls without a direct encounter tend to end all of a sudden. You can’t feed a feeling by distance.

It is exactly like trying a drug once, only once, and then not trying it again for months… you do not get addicted. Try it once, and in a few days again,… and again and you are stuck.

Feelings are drugs, but good ones. You want to get addicted to them. Once the addiction becomes a habit, your relationship has a chance.

The research process applied to personal relationships

How to find out if he/she is the one in seven steps

As a marketing professional, I am good at research. And what is the research process? How do I apply it to personal relationships? Here is a step by step process that might explain my way of dealing with things and people. I may seem crazy, but since the definition of crazy includes the lack of logic, my process is exactly the opposite. My process is very logical, organized and completely rational. I even rationalize emotions I take emotions and use them as hints for generating information or I process them as information when this applies.

The truth is, most people go through the same process. They just don’t realize what they are doing; they call it “love”, “feelings” or “intuition” and don’t think about the process. They can be really lucky that their intuition was good and got the right person or really unlucky, getting disappointed, cheated, hurt by the other.

When using research, the positive result will only enforce the feelings you had for that person and make love even stronger, while a negative result will help you get over the relationship much faster, because you know you were not cheated or hurt, but you simply did not find the right person you were looking for. It is easier to deal with the feeling of not being fitted for each other than with betrayal or hopelessness.

On the other hand, think of it as exaggerated, but don’t dismiss the process. After all, each relationship is a trial. You can try your whole life to know a person and get surprised after years, or you can do your research properly. You will save yourself a lot of time if the other is the wrong person for you and you can move on to the next who has a potential. You will also be able to allow yourself to enjoy the relationship if the result is positive, being confident that you made the right choice to be with that person.

How exaggerated is that? How crazy is that?

Ok, I admit, the following process is a little exaggerated, but it is modeled using a scientific method. This is what we all do, but don’t realize it.

Before we start please keep in mind that this process is only for intelligent and emotionally stable people. Should any unstable or frustrated person try it, it will be a disaster. If you don’t know yourself very well and if you don’t trust yourself to be able to handle it, don’t even start! Stick to your informal method that is better for you.

How to find out if he/she is the one in steps?

Step 1: Finding the subject. You meet someone that you find interesting. There is a certain attraction to consider that person. Generally the feeling is a good one, a feeling of attraction. This draws your attention towards the subject and places the subject in the area of your interest.

Step2: Generate a hypothesis. Since my interest is to find the right man for me, with whom to develop a real relationship, eventually to have a family, my hypothesis would be “X is the one”. Of course this statement has as main source an emotion. But as a researcher, I know that any hypothesis or theory can be proved valid or invalid. Basically that is the purposes of any research- validate the statement or invalidate it. Whichever the result, the research is successful. Other statements can be: “She is the one for me”, “we will make a good couple”, “he/she is a good friend” etc.

Step3: Generating the set of criteria. You already have a general opinion about how you would like your man to be. Among these criteria could be – a truthful person, has a job, has an interesting job, similar tastes with you, similar values, is single, does not have any children, wants/does not want children, has certain physical traits, has certain behavioral traits, income, knowledge, style, etc (this is your check-list with all you hope to find in the man of your dreams). Each person has certain expectations from their “one”. There is a matrix that can apply, if you really want to go in very much detail, but just having the list of criteria is enough for now.

Step 4: Score the criteria. Each person gives different levels of importance to different criteria. For instance: for a woman it might be important that the man drives a nice car, but not having that car does not necessarily eliminate him. On the other hand, there are criteria such as – “not to hit me” that are real deal breakers. If you realize that man is aggressive and has already hit a woman in his past, you will run away. So take each criterion and make a statement about it. You can use a scale like “crucial (deal breaker)/ very important/ important/ with little importance/ not important”, give it points from 1 to 5, or chose whatever suits you.

Step 5: Develop the research tools set. These are the ways you use to gather data for your research. Remember that data is different than information. It is raw and unprocessed and it is exactly what you need. You are the one analyzing the data through your criteria and generate your conclusion. The most common tools that a researcher uses are:

· S Secondary research (reading and studying previously generated information). This type of research gives you more or less data in the form of information generated by others. You may find information generated by the subject or by others on the subject. Remember that this information is processed through other people’s filters, not yours. Take it as data.

o The Internet offers a huge amount of information and generally you would find a few things about the person of your interest in different online communities, by Google searching, etc. You will not be satisfied with the information you get, but if you are an insightful person you will be able to notice some important elements. One example is when the man says he is not married and then his best friend posted on face book some pictures of his wedding. Or the true story that the woman found a video on YouTube of her fiancée with him shoving his face in another woman’s breasts. Don’t look for disasters, though. Just gather information. You might come across an article he wrote and you find out that you like his style and you agree with what he said. That is also important info. So don’t look for bad things or good things, just find information. Notice what you find, write it down if you need.

o Another source of secondary research is talking to common friends, colleagues or acquaintances. They can tell you good things or bad things about him. Take the information into consideration, but don’t do what your friends say. What they are is their opinion filtered through their own criteria, not yours. So be aware but don’t confide completely in what they say whatever positive or negative the info would be.

Observation. This is a great way to gather real valuable information about your subject. It is direct information; it is fresh and unprocessed by others. The only problem is that it is time consuming. But you don’t mind that, because you are interested in spending time with that person any way. So while you spend as much time as you can with the subject, be aware of the things that he does, says, his attitudes, etc. Observe him in relation to others, check him out. You already have your criteria in mind so you know what things you need to notice. See how he talks, how much respect he shows others, what gestures he makes, etc. For example, if you want a generous man, an important piece of information will be how much tip he leaves the waiter when he pays for dinner, or even if he pays for dinner. Don’t react to that info. Don’t judge… yet. You will have plenty of time to analyze when you have all the information you need. Just notice details. They are very important.

Polls. Different people react differently to being interrogated. But there are things you need to know about a person and the only way to find them out is by asking a question. We are not talking about a real poll, the one with alternative answers or so. What you need is a set of questions that you need the answer to and, during your talks get the chance to ask them. If you are on an early date, it is normal to ask questions about the other, so people who have nothing to hide will be ok to answer you. Just be careful not to make them sound like an interrogation. Give your opinion on something to get his views. Ask him easy questions. You will be surprised that the TV show he likes will tell you a bit about his personality. They type of jokes he says are also hint givers. Use the date to gather information about your partner. But give information about yourself in the process too. After all, this is exactly what a date is.

Experiments. You reached a certain stage in your relationship and there are things that you need to find out that you can’t find in any other way. Experiments are situations that you can create with the purpose of testing something. For instance, if you want to know how tolerant he is to your needs, you might try to be late for a date and make him wait. See how reacts. It will give you a piece of information. If you want to know if he only cares for the way you look, try going on a date without your make-up on and see how he reacts. In any case, be careful with the experiments, because you are also involved in them and they also disclose information about yourself. When you create an artificial situation, you can present yourself in an untrue view. You don’t want to let him thing you are not careful with your image if you actually are very interested on how you look. You don’t want him to think you are material girls when you are testing how generous he is. It might not be such a huge criterion for you, but for him it is very important to know you are not with him for his money. So beware that he also has his own criteria and he is also assessing your relationship, whether he does it knowingly or not. Don’t risk it if it is not worth it. Also, don’t, under any circumstances, perform tests that might put you in danger. Try to find out if he can be aggressive through other methods. Do not provoke him unless you are a black belt in karate. Don’t be stupid. This entire process is meant only for intelligent and emotionally stable people.

Your views. There are things that you can find out about the other and you don’t need any instruments for that. Some criteria you just know if he meets them or not. If you like a taller guy, you will know when you see him the first time. If it is important for you how he kisses, you will have to try and you will know. If physical attraction is important for you, you will feel it. These are also valid ways to assess him.

Remember, all these tests are allowed. There is nothing unethical about them. You already are doing them unconsciously so don’t think that just by analyzing him this way you become a bad person. You are only finding out what is important for you to know about the person you are interested in. But do not exaggerate. Keep the research in your area of interest. Do not transform yourself in an investigator. Don’t make him feel he is being tested. Nobody likes that and you might lose him.

Show him respect when gathering the information. It is about getting to know each other.

And another advice: don’t keep the research on for too long. There will come a time when you need to make a decision. Give yourself a deadline and try to gather all the information you need in that timeframe. If you don’t know when to stop, you will transform your relationship in a lab and it will be a disaster for both of you. Once you covered your criteria, stop. Don’t invent new tests and new criteria. Just stop. It is not useful to test the same thing more than once. Unless you found out the information in an artificial way, there is no reason to think that the second time he will behave differently.

Step 6: compare the information with your criteria. If you use a check-list, check the ones he meets and leave the others unchecked. If you already have strong conclusions use them.

In case you are not able to balance the feelings with the results of your research, you can come back to the set of criteria and work it mathematically. It will help. How do you do that? You take each criterion and give it a certain number of points, based on how important it is for you that your life partner fulfills it. You can either use a limited scale (from 1 to 10, from -3 to +3) or not really. You actually order the criteria based on the importance you are giving them. Then you take the results of your research and assess it in parallel with your criteria. The subject might fill that criterion just partially, so you make a table in which you place the criterion, the number of points you gave it as importance and the percentage in which your subject fulfills it. Then you multiply and add the numbers and your conclusion will be very clear to you. Ideally, you can assign points to each criteria so that the sum makes a round total (100 points for instance) When you multiply the criterion points with the score your subject got and make the general total, you have a mathematical answer. If the subject gets over 50 points, he/she might be considerable as a potential life partner. If he/she goes under 50, you might think about ending the relationship.

Step 7: Conclusions and the Decision. Once you have all the info you need and the results of your analysis, however way you chose to make it, you have your results. You know. There are only 3 possibilities: confirmation (he is the one), rejection (he is not the one) and inconclusive (you still can’t decide)

· If the results show you that he is the one- be happy and go ahead with the relationship. You will be much more relaxed, much more confident in yourself and in him and your relationship has a chance to grow. Of course, he should also have found out that you are the one for him. Anyway, if he passed all your tests, chances are that you also passed his, because you are a match. Again, this process is for intelligent and emotionally stable people, who know themselves and are able to assess who they are and what they also can offer. So your image about yourself would be a realistic one. You will not have 100 criteria for man and not be able to meet any of his. If you want a man to be clean, you should also be clean… got the point?

“The one” means your match – that you are similar in the areas you need to be similar and have the necessary differences in areas you need to be different. So this is what you are checking.

If he is the one for you, you probably are the one for him.

· If the results show him as not being the right one for you, be happy. You spared yourself a lot of heart ache. You can decide whether to continue against what you know or to leave him. At least you know what to expect. You will not be surprised when he does something you don’t approve of, because you already know who he is. My advice is to leave him and try to find the right person for you. It is better to be alone than in a bad company.

· If you can’t decide, this test was not for you. You are not the right person to go through this process. You don’t know yourself well enough, you don’t know what you want in a man or you are being unrealistic in your criteria. You should not have even started this process. But if you did and reached this point that you cannot decide… I am sorry, you still have some growing up to do.

How do you assess the process? This process is successful if you reached one of the two conclusions: you confirmed your hypothesis or you denied it. In our example: if he turns up to be the one or he turns up not to be the one for you. I know you hoped he was the one when you started, but this process is not about hoping, but about finding out. It is not about feelings, but about knowing, although knowing will confirm your feelings.

To those who tried this process and came up with a relevant answer: Congratulations! I am happy for you. If he is the one, send me a picture of your wedding, if he is not the one, forget him and move on to the next one. Your knight in shiny armor will come to your life.

To my other half - boyfriend/lover/partner/husband (which role you are filling in my life at present): if you read this article, don't get angry. If you are in my life, it means you confirmed to me that you are the one and I love you even more. This test is a compliment for those who confirm. In fact, I know you won't get angry, because to be realistic and intelligent is one of my very important criteria and you obviously met it since we are together. I love you and I am sure of it.

Wacky Definitions

School: A place where Papa pays and Son plays.

Life Insurance: A contract that keeps you poor all your life so that you can die Rich.

Nurse: A person who wakes u up to give you sleeping pills.

Marriage: It's an agreement in which a man loses his bachelor degree and a woman gains her masters.

Tears: The hydraulic force by which masculine willpower is defeated by feminine waterpower.

Lecture: An art of transferring information from the notes of the Lecturer to the notes of the students without passing through "the minds of either"

Conference: The confusion of one man multiplied by the number present.

Compromise: The art of dividing a cake in such a way that everybody believes he got the biggest piece.

Dictionary: A place where success comes before work.

Conference Room: A place where everybody talks, nobody listens and everybody disagrees later on.

Father: A banker provided by nature.

Boss: Someone who is early when you are late and late when you are early.

Politician: One who shakes your hand before elections and your Confidence after.

Doctor: A person who kills your ills by pills, and kills you by bills.

Classic: Books, which people praise, but do not read.

Smile: A curve that can set a lot of things straight.

Office: A place where you can relax after your strenuous home life.

Yawn: The only time some married men ever get to open their mouth.

Etc.: A sign to make others believe that you know more than you actually do.

Committee: Individuals who can do nothing individually and sit to decide that nothing can be done together.

Experience: The name men give to their mistakes.

Atom Bomb: An invention to end all inventions.

Philosopher: A fool who torments himself during life, to be wise after death.